A young boy once ventured to the top of a tall mountain. Near the top he encountered a venomous, talking snake. “Carry me down to the bottom of the mountain,” begged the snake, “and I promise I won’t bite you.” The boy had been warned about mountain snakes, but accepted the snake’s proposition anyway. After the boy carried the snake on the long journey down the mountain, he bent to put the snake down. The snake quickly bit the boy in the leg. Writhing in pain, and facing certain death (or at least amputation) the boy cried: “Why? Why did you bite me? You promised!”
“Ah,” said the snake, “but you knew what I was when you picked me up.”*
A few nights ago, my younger brother Matthew proposed marriage to a young lady. She apparently accepted. Before it’s too late, it seems only fitting that this young lady be informed of some of the standard terms, conditions, and disclaimers that accompany any marriage into the Clark family. As readers of the Forbidden Donut, you’re entitled to a sneak peek, especially in the event that you’re considering one of my still available siblings (and there are many) as a potential partner.
Dear Leslie,
What were you thinking?
Your decision to marry Matthew can only have resulted from one of two things: (1) you are crazy; or (2) Matt’s misrepresented what kind of family you are marrying into.
Suspecting you are not guilty of the former, and acting as the Clark family’s unauthorized legal representative in protecting you (and us) against the latter, you are hereby informed and advised of the following:
1. If you’d rather not keep something a secret – say a proposal date or impending wedding – make your new mother and father in law among the first people you share it with. It's terribly important that you let them think it’s a secret. In fact, make sure you tell them not to tell a soul. Then wait for them to start dropping “subtle” hints about your secret to all they know, which hints make the secret all but impossible to discern.
2. Christmas mornings for you will hereafter begin at 4:30 a.m… or earlier.
3. Anything sweet or remotely tempting to eat (e.g., candy, cookies, cereal, baking soda) can’t be expected to last any longer than a few hours in your home. You’ll find this rule is unaffected by the quantity of the treats.
4. Peter does everything around here. He follows a long line of Clarks who formerly held that distinction.
5. If you find someone has raided the ice cream and left a spoon in the carton, it’s probably Leanne. Or it’s one of the rest us framing Leanne.
6. Your betrothed is generally beloved among his siblings, but he also seems to owe us money in varying amounts. We expect you’ll make good on his debts.
7. Yes, it’s true: We Clarks certainly sort laundry, but you’ll probably never catch anyone actually folding laundry. That notion is strange to us, no doubt the result of growing up in the back woods of Upstate New York.
8. When traveling with your future father-in-law, ready yourself two hours ahead of any intended departure, because that’s when he’s going to want to leave.
9. Speaking of your future father-in-law, you’ll never again want for school supplies.
10. And anytime you’re in Iowa, you’ll now have complimentary lifetime passes to Urbandale’s finest basement gym.
11. By now you’re already aware that we have an annual milkshake contest. Along these lines, be advised that just because someone makes a banana bread milkshake the year previous, this apparently does not mean that this same person actually likes bananas. In fact, it’s apparently supposed to mean that she hates bananas.
12. Along these same lines, you’re further informed that your opinion may be solicited as to whether or not a milkshake, by definition, requires that milk be added, or whether one may surreptitiously circumvent the process entirely by simply stirring in Oreos and M&Ms into half-melted ice cream and pretending she’s actually made a “shake.” (Not that I’m trying to suggest a position or anything, or that your chances of receiving a wedding gift will increase or decrease depending on your acquiescence to any perceived suggestion.)
13. If the family is playing wiffle ball, you may want to keep an extra eye on Nathan’s kids. No doubt Nathan’s supposed to be watching them, and no doubt he even thinks he’s watching them, but alas, they’re just as likely to be stranded in a ditch somewhere.
14. Be extra sensitive when your future husband comes home from a golf outing with his brothers. He doesn’t take losing well.
15. All the good cereal is on the top shelf of the food storage room downstairs. And no, we older kids (and we’re still trying to figure out whether Matt technically counts as one of the “older kids”) were never privy to the kind of smorgasbord now available at the Clark home on a daily basis. We had peanut butter toast.
16. Among the famous accomplishments of your in-laws: the world’s largest collection of DI books, consumption of a Big Texan meal (72 oz. steak, plus salad, baked potato, shrimp cocktail, and roll) in under an hour, a girl scout cookie eating champion (back when they were under $2 a box), a two-time popsicle eating champion, the Dr. Mario World Champion, a sister-in-law who once proudly walked around BYU campus with a paper bag on her head, and an ingenious cat trap.
17. And of course, a blogging brother-in-law with an unhealthy obsession with Peanut M&M’s – as long as they’re on sale.
If, after reading this letter, you still decide to go forward with the marriage, bienvenidos. You knew what we were when you picked us up.
Con Cariño,
Aaron
*I dutifully remind Michelle of this story whenever she identifies another weakness in my habits or character.
6 comments:
And keep your hands off the giant stocking at Christmas. It's mine! For years we aren't able to make it up for the festivities, it should still be hung in my honor and remain available should we make a surprise visit.
Congratulations Matt and Leslie!
Leslie:
The unofficial spokesman left out a greal deal of important information ranging from discussion of mayonaisse and its non-use in the Clark household, to the need to be somewhat competitive in games of "Monopoly."
Then the discussion of being good at "Risk" or knowing Disney trivia is key. You are also required to know something about Harry Potter, if you want to thrive.
I suggested to Matthew that previous games with you suggested you were only a "singles" hitter when it came to whiffleball, but he says you really are more athletic than that. It's a good thing, because Matthew lost a great deal when he went to Mongolia. He doesn't seem to be able to hit some pitches, he used to.
Please ignore the brash one in California who insists the giant stocking is hers at the holiday, because it could just as easily be yours with the proper amount of cookies and bribes.
Hope you will learn to have fun and find some delight in adding so many to your family.
Congralations.
I sense a bit of over confidence concerning aarons apparent "golfing abilities." I hope that he honestly doesn't expect to beat a man who is in his prime. Aaron had his day where he reluctantly beat me due to a few gusts of wind and lucky bounces. Be it known that Aaron really can't even compete with me. He may talk the talk (really well actually) but we are still waiting for him to walk a little bit. His old bones aren't quite what they used to be. I have got one prediction for the next golf game, "Pain."
I find all this information very useful and I appreciate the honesty it represents, having already noted some of the various items in my previous association with the family. After careful consideration, and in full recognition of the nature of the snake I am picking up, I stand by my decision. Think what you will about my sanity.
--Also, at the risk of jeopardizing future relationships, I must in good conscience admit that it has been my assumption that a milkshake contains real liquid milk, if it is an authentic milkshake. But to be fair, there are several pseudo-milkshakes on the fast food market these days that may be confusing the issue.
Well said about milk in the shake. Hand over the blender trophy, Michelle and go back to the corner and scheme within the context of the rules
First of all, the milkshake Aaron referred to was Nichole's.
Secondly, there has never been anything in the rules specifying how much or little milk contestants are required to use (unlike a certain rule about common ingredients I recall being broken in past competitions).
I honestly don't remember whether or not I thinned mine with milk or not. No matter though. Rockin' Cinnamon Roll is undeniably a winner. No, THE winner.
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