Bar Hopping

I didn't wake up this morning thinking about the bar results that are to be posted in a few hours. Once Michelle was up, though, she quickly reminded me how much she wanted it all "to be done with." "Oh yeah, that's today isn't it" was my reaction, even if not audible.

Shortly after I showed up for work today, people started asking me about the upcoming bar results. "How are you doing?" and "Are you nervous?" It continued throughout the morning and into the afternoon. I hadn't been nervous...until they started asking abou it. With all the comments, though, it entered more and more of the my thoughts. And for me, thinking almost invariably leads to worrying and stewing. Whenever I have too much time to think about things I tend to give undue time and accord undue weight to any possible deficiences or errors. Why my mind works this way I cannot say).

There were some points this summer, while studying for the bar, that I'd gotten myself worked up enough that I was convinced I would fail. In my weaker moments I the only way to gauge how well I would do on the bar exam was to compare the hours I'd spent studying to the hours everyone else seemed to be studying. Since I have never seemed to study as much as my peers*, it was hard to make a good case for myself. Of course, having given myself up to failure, my expectations would lower enough that some sense of optimism couldn't help but creep in. The optimism would soon give way to outright confidence, until I'd been feeling confident so long that doubts would creep back in again. It was a vicious cycle.

So with all of the questioning and wishes of luck today, it started to get to me. Only two associates at the firm (or former associates) have ever failed the bar, and one of them failed because of an eletrical failure midway through the test (the CA bar did not let these unfortunate test takers have time to make up the work). CA's bar passage rate has typically been around 50%. For first time takers from ABA accredited schools it's up over 70%. Last summer, for Harvard Law School grads it was 85% (Of course, it was the fact that 5 HLS grads actually failed the bar last summer that caused all that worry throughout the summer, so sure was I that my study habits would find me among the 5). I know that if I failed the bar, I will be devastated. I would try to make the best of it, put on an expressionless face, and even give way to a good deal of sarcasm intended to be humorous. Inside, though, I'd be reeling, with no relief foreseeable.

It's often seemed to me that many people mistake that fear of failure as weakness. It has occured to me though, especially as I thought of many of my HLS classmates, that its that fear of failure that's precisely the reason why I succeed. To admit that failure is a possibility keeps me from complacency and perhaps slackening in my efforts. No one seems to begrudge athletes when they're reticent to guarantee victory, yet in these types of academic it seems odd that outsiders are quicker to ascribe such feelings to a lack of self-confidence. I don't really get that.

But also don't misunderstand. These and other similar musings, when they happen to escape out into the open, aren't an attempt to fish for reassuring compliments. Such compliments are always gratefully received, but they're not what I'm looking for. Instead, such thoughts are just outward evidence that I realize what's at stake, or an effort to remind myself what's at stake to make sure I'm not taking anything for granted.

Gratefully, one of the associates told me this morning that I should take off early today to get far, far away from the office before the results come out. That seemed like good advice, espeically since I'm always anxious to leave anyway. Given his advice and the advice of other associates I arranged to leave at 2pm to sit home and wait, and maybe even break my record on Ms. Pac-Man.


*In fact, as an undergrad at BYU I prided myself on never doing the reading for my political science classes. I discovered that if I just went to class and took good notes on what the professors would discuss, I'd have everything I needed. This never failed me. In law school, I stopped going to class so much, since there were organizations with outline banks online from people who'd previously taken the class and taken good notes. I had varying levels of success with this.