About 6 weeks ago now we went with some friends down to Seaworld. One of them happened to be quite fond of Walrus--maybe even a little too fond (He was in a Walrus club in high school). We got along well amid the stop and go traffic on our way to San Diego, at least until some people started questioning my ability to "take" a Walrus with my bare hands if I had to ("some" meaning everyone in the car--though if Jared could've contributed I'm sure he would've been with me).
The situation merits a brief explanation.
I can explain to you neither the origins of nor the reasons for a consistent train of thought throughout my life that has kept me bent on protecting myself against nature. It's just been there. When I was a kid I used to wonder how I might protect myself if stranded in the ocean facing a shark, a bear in the wilderness, or a lion on the Savannah. Obviously such encounters would be a bit disconcerting--perhaps that's why I bent my thoughts on them.
Maybe other people don't think about things--I do (and I'm the better for it)*. Maybe in such situations other people would just give themselves up for lost--I wouldn't, and I'd have a plan**.
So of course on the way to SeaWorld, with our friend in the back seat gushing about Walri (his plural term for the Walrus), the most natural end of the conversation was that I could take a Walrus if I had to. Perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised that my survival instincts were met with contempt and derision, with even my wife joining in.
I felt alone. I felt bitter. I felt like quoting Calvin Coolidge: "Doubters do not achieve; skeptics do not contribute; cynics do not create." Yeah, that about summed up everyone in car--except Jared and me.
So we went to Seaworld, saw two Walrus, and made our way home. All the while my mind was working on the Walrus. All the while they mocked me.
But here's my plan:
Of course, it'd be a bit more difficult if we were facing off in the water, though I'm pretty sure even in the water I'd be able to get him to use his tusks against himself. If we're on land, it's not much of a contest--assuming that I at least get to wear shoes. If I don't have shoes on, then what on earth am I doing in Walrus land?
You see, the whole key to battling a Walrus is not to waste time delivering blows to the body. The blubber is just too thick. What'd I'd do instead is get on top of the Walrus near the head and use my arms to put it in a "Full Nelson," (one of the little known secrets to Walrus fighting is that when you control the head, you control the whole body). Once we get to this point, what happens next will mostly depend on how merciful I'm feeling and how sincere the Walrus is in apologizing for ever have attacked me in the first place. One thing is clear, though, he's not getting out of that Full Nelson until he does.
It's really rather simple when you think about it.
In the end, though, the question isn't so much the method or the technique. Where the great question really lies is whether you stand with the rest who mock, with the walrus essentially, or with me. If you're not with me, then lets hope the Walrus doesn't turn on you and find you unpreprared.
*I did have a missionary companion once who shared my vision for survival. It made the afternoons of tracting out the trailer parks in Olivehurst, CA that much more enjoyable.
**Yeah, yeah, you want to know details. Probably so you can mock them. I'm not about to cast my pearls before swine. Let's just say if I'm facing a bear or a mountain lion and I have a baseball bat--then that'd be too easy. What concerns me is those moments when I'm facing a lion or a shark and I don't have a bat. At least for the lion, though, I should be able to get at least one swift kick to the head if it's running at me head on. You see, as I'm kicking the lion in the head as hard as I can I'd also be trying to kick it to the side, so as to keep it at bay. I figure that'd give me a chance for at least one more good swift kick to the head. I just ask you--if you're a lion, would you want to face me and two swift kicks to the head? Yeah, I don't blame you.
4 comments:
Don't you think he'd have so much blubber around his neck you might not even be able to get a grip? And what happens when he decides to roll on top of you? Do you have any idea how heavy a walrus is?
An adult male Pacific walrus weighs about 4000 pounds. I don't know how strong you think your ribs are, Aaron, but they can't withstand two tons of pressure. That's for sure. Jared's right--the walrus will simply roll over (they're not round because it's cute) on top of you, and you get smished.
Of course, that's assuming you can even make it to the walrus's back in the first place. I'll give you your shoes, but you're still in walrus land, and it's a bit hard to get your footing on ice, even with your Air Jordans on. Chances are the shock from being attacked in the first place knocks you on your rear in the snow. The walrus won't even have to roll over before he's on top of you.
And that's assuming you've found a lone walrus. In truth, walri congregate in vast colonies. You pick on one, the whole group's gonna come after you. Good luck with that.
Matt Astle
President, Walrus Lovers Nonymous
Obviously these comments have been left by people with little imagination. Of course I'm not going to let myself get rolled over by the Walrus. That's why the full Nelson is so important--he won't be able to roll without breaking his neck--with his own weight.
Please--your love of the walrus has made you blind to its vulnerabilities. Tsk Tsk. I thought better of you Matt.
Now, too, you're not content for me to conquer one Walrus, but a whole colony! Once I figure that out you're going to say that a polar bear might be in the area and want to fight as well, so there (and then a whole colony of polar bears). You people just aren't contented until you conjure a situation in which I fail are you? Well I won't give you the pleasure--I could take a colony if I had to. (From what I can tell in my studies, if you takedown the king of the Walrus colony--then you become the king. So I'd still really only have to take one. Then I'd have a whole colony of walrus to fight the polar bears and anyone else you can think up. My enemies will be their enemies, and we'll be looking for you.
I am not blind. The vulnerabilities of the walrus are obvious. Walri are fat and slow. Your best bet (assuming your shoes get traction on the ice) is to run.
But you bring up a good point--as you run, watch out for polar bears.
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