Things You Do When You've Been At Home Sick All Week, Have A Few Moments of Lucidity, And Need A Break From Playing Dr. Mario

I sent this email moments ago to the Clearplay customer service department. For the uninitiated, Clearplay is a Utah based company that purports to offer a filtering technology that automatically mutes and skips the "bad" parts out of your DVDs, thus making them a bit more palatable to the more sensitive viewers [I count myself among them]. If you click one of the links on the side of my blog, you can read an article I published a few years ago on the technology. As you'll note below, however, I'm thus far not a fan.

To Whom It May Concern,

Last week I reached the last straw with Clearplay. Having recently purchased a brand new, latest model player, I figured I would finally be able to enjoy the moving viewing experience you tout so as to sell your players and your monthly subscriptions.

However, 15 minutes into the first movie, the filtering stopped working, or seemed to be misaligned so that my family and I were subject to all the things your filtering and DVD player were supposed to keep out. I called the next day and was instructed to upgrade the software, which I did. Yet the same filtering problems remained. I called back and was told I must have a defective player and that I'd need to send mine in to be replaced. "No need to worry," I was told by your customer service rep., "we'll pay for the shipping." I was told I would have an email with a shipping label in a few days, and then it would take me 2-3 weeks for a new player. To "compensate" me for my troubles, I was also told I'd be getting another 2 months membership for free.

Alas, no email with a shipping label ever came. Indeed, the only thing I've heard from you guys subsequent to my phone call now nearly two weeks ago was a message from a sales rep of yours, advising me that, while only one week in, my free membership was about to expire and that I should renew now for a special low rate.

This was not my first incident with your technology. Only the latest. Prior to this latest purchase, I purchased an older version of your player in December. It froze up constantly, and increasingly refused to read DVDs such that it became entirely worthless. When I talked to your reps about it, I was told that, tragically, the 007 model had about a 50% failure rate. The only solution offered for my troubles was for me to further purchase a two-year membership, which would "allow" your company to send me a new player [i.e. the one I just purchased], which I was told had only a 1% failure rate. It seemed like an odd thing at the time to be giving a sales pitch at the same time that the customer is complaining about, and the sales rep is admitting to, the fact that the technology was a worthless piece of junk.

While you continue to broadcast your accolades in your weekly newsletter, I would have it known that I am entirely unsatisifed with both your technology and your customer service. I ignored it for a time because I so desperately wanted it to work properly. However, my frustrations with both aspects of your company have now so boiled over, that I have resigned myself to at least no longer having to deal with the frustrations of owning one of your players. As such, I am returning it to Seagull Book.

My expectations at this point are that this email will probably fall on deaf ears, much as a previous, similar email seemed to, which email dealt with issues relating to my previous player. There is some part of me, though, that can't help but hope that Clearplay will finally rise to the level of its sales rhetoric and attempt to make whole an aggrieved customer. [And please note, by this I do not mean offering me a "discount" on an extended membership or a few months free of updated filters.] For what it's worth, if a meaningful effort is not made on your part, this bad taste in my mouth will ensure that I will be warning anyone who'll hear me to steer far clear of your company and your technology.

Sincerely,
Aaron Clark