Back in early
September I was asked to spend a few minutes talking about addiction,
specifically as it relate to the "vices of the flesh." That topic has been rolling around in my head
ever since then, particularly as it relates to the troubles associated with
pornography. And I've had some inklings
where to go with these remarks today, but honestly I've wrestled and wrestled
with this. Addiction just is not a warm
and cuddly subject. And particularly as
it relates to pornography, drugs, and other harmful things, it can be a
stigmatizing one. But as I've wrestled
with this subject, I have been drawn back again and again toward sharing some
personal experiences that perhaps may be helpful to some who face challenges
associated with addiction -- whatever form that may take. I'm honestly a little nervous about
this. For one, I don't know you very
well. And I don’t want to
overshare. But also, what I'm about to talk
about is not something in the past tense -- it's something I still struggle
with, and that I will probably deal with the rest of my life.
So I will try
to be as delicate as possible, but I also want to be direct. I think it will probably be ok.
The
Struggle is Real
Brothers and
Sisters, I really, really struggle with sugar. I have dealt with this a long time now --
probably all of my adult life. I don't
think it's necessary to get into all the details, but I can tell you that when
I start eating sugary treats, it's very hard for me to not have a lot of
them. And I mean a lot. So much that I usually end up feeling pretty
miserable. And because it tastes so
good, I have a rather dysfunctional emotional connection with sugar such that,
even though it usually leaves me feeling miserable, I feel a strong pull
to reach for it (a lot of it), particularly in times of high stress, anxiety,
and low self-esteem.
[Now, before
I proceed any further I need to make this disclaimer: I don't want anyone to misunderstand me and
come away from this meeting thinking or saying -- "Well, Brother Clark
thinks we shouldn't eat chocolate chip cookies.
Or Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Or the cinnamon rolls that will be served
at the Neighborhood Christmas Party this Friday." I want to be clear that whatever I may say
today, I'm not saying that. In talking
about my own sugar addiction, and some of the insights I've learned in dealing
with this over the years, I am not trying to give any counsel one way or
another on what you personally should eat or not eat. We all struggle with different things. I happen to struggle with sugar. You may well not. In fact, I hope you don't because I want you
to be able to have a cinnamon roll or two this Friday.
So, with that
disclaimer, let me share a few insights I've learned in my years of dealing
with a sugar addiction. And you listen,
see if there might not be some application to some of the things you, or your
friends and loved ones may struggle with.
Small
Mistakes Lead to Big Ones; Small Victories Lead to Big Ones
First,
brothers and sisters, it has been my experience that small mistakes with sugar
tend to lead to big ones; by contrast, small victories enable big ones. What I mean by this is that, except in rare
instances of self-control, I cannot seem to indulge in a donut in the morning
or a cookie in the afternoon and not have it throw me off for the rest of the
day (often even the rest of the week).
Let me
describe how that usually happens: In a day that's otherwise going well, I
decide that just one donut or one cookie should be harmless (besides, I
probably worked out in the morning, and I probably had oatmeal for breakfast --
so I should be good). So I eat the donut
or cookie, and it tastes good. It
triggers the pleasure center in my brain, and my brain sends me the message --
You want more of this. And so
usually with very little thought, I will reach for another. Besides, I've already had one, and there's
not much difference between one and two.
And then there's not much difference between two and three, and three
and four, and so on for however far it goes until the treats run out or they
don't taste good anymore.
But, say, by
the time I'm at four or five cookies, it's no longer just a small
indulgence. And at that point, other
thoughts and feelings start to work their way in: feelings of guilt and
shame. Now, this is the point where one
might logically expect to stop -- that these feelings of guilt or shame would
be the warning or trigger to tell me "enough is enough."
But that's
not usually how it works for me. As I
mentioned a few moments ago, I've got a kind of emotional attachment to
sugar. And because of that, those
feelings of guilt and shame paradoxically make me want to eat more sugar
-- ironically now to try to deal with the shame and guilt that came from
indulging in the first place. It's a
downward spiral that very often leaves me feeling trapped -- trapped and
feeling like, at least in the short term, the best answer might just be one or
two more cookies.
By contrast,
if I pass up that cookie or donut early the day, there's an effect, too. It's not quite as pronounced, or as quickly
evident, but it is there. It's something
like a small boost of self-confidence, that brings with it subtle good
feelings. And I find that the early
victory makes it just a little bit easier to resist what temptations may come
later in the day. And a whole day's good
efforts bring with it the self-confidence and good feelings (that to me are
most noticeable in the early morning the next day) that make it all the easier
to make the same courageous choices the next day, and so on.
That is why,
at least for me, it is so important that I avoid that otherwise seemingly
innocuous cookie or donut.
C.S. Lewis
eloquently expressed the point as follows:
"Good
and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions
you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act
today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you
may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial
indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or a bridgehead from
which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible."
- Mere
Christianity, p. 117
More
practically expressed, I found the same point expressed a few months ago in an
ad for a brand of nicotine gum in a 7-11: "Every victory counts."
Every victory
does count.
I Can't
Have it in the House
The second
insight is correlated to the first: if I bring sugary treats into the house, I
will eat them.
Over the
years, I have come to realize a few less than ideal truths about myself. One of them is that, almost without
exception, if I have sugary treats in the house, I will eat them. I cannot tell you how many times I have come
across a sale for a particular treat, and especially if I've been doing well, I
have deluded myself into thinking that I'll be ok if I just buy the treat and
put it away (in the cupboard or pantry) until the right time.
But again,
that just doesn't seem to be how things work with me. Almost inevitably, no matter how on point my
eating and exercise have been, within a day or two, my resolve breaks down, and
I've opened and eaten the treat that I was saving for a "special occasion." Something about having the temptation so
close and accessible seems to leave me especially vulnerable at the first sign
of weakness (and it's interesting just how much the treat will prey on my
thoughts throughout the day if I know it's somewhere in the house).
On this
point, there seems to be support in the scriptural account of Joseph and
Potiphar's wife. As most of you know,
Joseph had been betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery in Egypt. Potiphar was an officer of the Pharaoh, and
took on Joseph as one of his servants.
Potiphar was so impressed with Joseph that he made Joseph the overseer
of his house.
Potiphar's
wife also took a particular interest in Joseph -- she propositioned Joseph to
break the law of chastity with her.
Joseph refused. But the
scriptures say that Potiphar's wife persisted "day by day" in her
request [Gen. 39:10]. One day, when
Joseph was in Potiphar's house while Potiphar wasn't there, Potiphar's wife
came to Joseph and grabbed his garment, and repeated her demand.
The scriptures
note that Joseph, in response, "left his garment in her hand, and fled,
and got him out." [Gen. 39:12].
Sometimes,
brothers and sister, just saying "No, thank you" isn't enough. Sometimes, like Joseph, the only way I know
that I can safely avoid temptation is to run from it or to get away from it --
literally or figuratively. To keep it
close by eventually means to give in to it.
Addiction
Blocks the Holy Ghost
The third
insight, brothers and sisters, is that I have found that one of the most detrimental
effects of addiction is that it blocks the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.
In my case,
no one would dispute that eating sugary treats -- particularly in the
quantities that I'm inclined to consume them -- is physically unhealthy. It leads to weight gain, yes, but also just
leaves me feeling so sluggish and crummy. And it saps me of any desire to be
productive. In fact, I usually find I just want to crawl into bed and hide.
What I've
learned in conjunction with this, though, is that when I eat too many treats, I
make it so difficult to feel the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. In fact, often I've eaten so much that I
can't feel much of anything -- except a kind of numbness and physical
discomfort.
Over the
years it's become clear to me that this -- not the physical effects (though the
two are connected) -- is the most profound tragedy of my indiscretions. Because when I can't feel the Holy Ghost, the
world feels so much darker. And as
vulnerable as my addiction leaves me, it makes it so much harder for God to
reach me (or at least to be able to feel that He is reaching out to me) -- to
feel those whisperings of love, comfort, hope, and encouragement that He
sends. I end up feeling so alone. But it's not because He has abandoned me;
it's because I've put myself in a place where I can't feel him.
I have found,
brothers and sisters, that the commands given by the Lord, particularly with
respect to what we do with our bodies and physical appetites -- whether through
the Word of Wisdom or the Law of Chastity -- are far more than simply to do
items on a "lengthy gospel checklist" (David A. Bednar, October 2010,
"Receive the Holy Ghost"). No,
they seem to be primarily designed to help us feel and keep the companionship
of the Holy Ghost -- with which all good things seem possible.
There
is Danger in Delay
A fourth
insight, brothers and sisters, concerns the subtle danger of
procrastination.
For my part,
when I am in the throes of regularly eating too much sugar -- throes that can
stretch on for weeks or months at a time -- part of the reason that I stay
stuck so long is that I only ever tend to feel a day away from making needed
change.
What this
means is that each day I find a way to rationalize putting off good eating
habits today with the alluring thought that I will make the needed improvements
"tomorrow."
"Tomorrow" -- when I will somehow be stronger, circumstances
will surely be more favorable, or the treats will be out of the house (because
I plan to eat them all today). There are
any number of reasons why "tomorrow" seems so alluring. Which is why I have sometimes been stuck for
weeks or months at a time: I always figure I can (and will) change
"tomorrow."
The fallacy
in my thinking, of course, is to fail to appreciate that once I get to "tomorrow"
it will be "today." And once I
get there, the difficulties and temptations are almost never any different than
they are right now (or than they were yesterday, or last week, or last month
when I similarly chose to delay) -- except in this: by choosing indulgence
today, I have further weakened my resolve and self-confidence to be able to
have the strength to choose differently tomorrow.
And beyond
choosing to remain stuck "just for today," I further perpetuate the
unhappiness I described just a few moments ago.
Given my
experience, it seems appropriate that President Kimball once observed “One of
the most serious human defects in all ages is procrastination.” He defined it as “an unwillingness to accept
personal responsibility now” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed.
Edward L. Kimball [1982], 48; emphasis in original).
President
Eyring also shared this powerful insight that rings true to me:
"The
truth is that today is always a better day to repent than any tomorrow. First,
sin has its debilitating effects on us. The very faith we need to repent is
weakened by delay. The choice to continue in sin diminishes our faith and
lessens our right to claim the Holy Ghost as our companion and comforter. And second, even should we be forgiven at some
later time, the Lord cannot restore the good effects our repentance today might
have had on those we love and are to serve." ("Do Not Delay," October 1999).
President
Uchtdorf expressed much the same thought a bit more cheerfully: "The best
time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.
The second best time is now." (Ensign, "The Best Time
to Plant a Tree," January 2014).
Let me share
with you, too, my own testimony that "today" (or "now" as
President Kimball put it) will always be better than "tomorrow." I don’t know what that might mean for you and
the challenges you face. But I know that
God does, and I suspect you do, too. It
may mean fasting and earnest prayer. It
may also mean reaching out to the bishop.
Today. Or finally opening up
about your struggles with a spouse, a trusted friend, or a loved one. It may mean finally calling to make an
appointment with a professional counselor (and I will readily admit to you that
I have seen a counselor about my sugar addiction -- it has been so
helpful!). I can promise you that, hard
as it may be, in making the courageous choice to begin today, you plant
seeds of happiness and joy that will sprout, grow, and bear fruit in the days
and weeks that follow -- fruit that will not be possible to harvest then in you
do not make the choice to plant those seeds today. And also please remember, as hard as it may
make things today, our good choices increase at compound interest. That means that making good choices today
will likely make it easier for you to be able to make good choices tomorrow.
He is
Cheering For You
For my final
thought, I want to begin with a story, the image of which resonates deeply with
me:
A few years
ago good friend of mine once told of her husband – an accomplished pianist --
coming home from a rehearsal for a Christmas concert and noting that his ears
hurt from some of the performances he had to endure. She then mentioned a
girl who played a violin solo for one of the pieces (which apparently was one
of the sources of pain) and how, during the performance, my friend watched the
girl’s father – who is also a very accomplished musician – as he watched the
girl and hung on her every note. My friend could tell the father was
rooting for his daughter’s success, watching intently as the girl played the
hard parts, and hoping she’d hit the notes just right in those points.
She then observed that God watches over us in much the same way, with the same
intensity, rooting for us and cheering us on, and just as cognizant of where
the “hard parts” are in our lives as we face them.
Brothers and
sisters, there is a Savior, Jesus Christ.
He has all power. He knows us
perfectly. He also loves us perfectly. And his Atonement has made possible our
salvation and happiness. He also knows
perfectly how to succor us -- how to help us get unstuck sometimes, and how to
avoid getting stuck in the first place.
I can also
testify of His infinite patience.
I cannot tell
you how many times I have pled with God for help that day to overcome my
difficulties with sugar, only to sometime later in the day effectively say,
"Actually, never mind. I really
want a cookie." And then by day’s
end find myself kneeling before Him once more, feeling miserable, and trying to
figure out what on earth to say to Him now.
Now, there
are consequences for sin. But in such
humiliating moments, I have never felt from Him a smug "I told you
so" or a frustrated "How many times are we going to go through this
Aaron?" or a biting "Why should I help you -- clearly you think you
know better?" -- reactions that I might be inclined toward if my child
approached me in similar circumstances.
I have
sensed a willingness to help me try again, and as Michelle mentioned last week,
an anxiousness to help me make the best of whatever circumstances I bring to
Him.
And,
undeserved as it may be, I at times sensed His pleasure, no matter how many
times I have fallen down, when I try, once more, to turn to Him in earnestness.
Let me
conclude with this extended thought from Elder Allen D. Haynie in his talk in
this most recent conference:
Although avoidance of sin
is the preferred pattern in life, as far as the efficacy of the Atonement of
Jesus Christ is concerned, it matters not what sins we have committed or
how deep we have sunk into that proverbial pit. It matters not that
we are ashamed or embarrassed because of the sins that, as the prophet
Nephi said, “so easily beset” us. It matters not that once upon a time
we traded our birthright for a mess of pottage.
What does matter is that
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, suffered “pains and afflictions and temptations
of every kind” so “that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his
people.” What does matter is that He was willing to condescend, to come to this
earth and descend “below all things” and suffer “more powerful contradictions
than any man” ever could. What does matter is that Christ is pleading our case
before the Father, “saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who
did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; … wherefore, Father, spare
these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have
everlasting life.” That is what really matters and what should give all of us
renewed hope and a determination to try one more time, because He has not
forgotten us.
I testify that the Savior
will never turn away from us when we humbly seek Him in order to repent; will
never consider us to be a lost cause; will never say, “Oh no, not you
again”; will never reject us because of a failure to understand how hard
it is to avoid sin. He understands it all perfectly, including the sense of
sorrow, shame, and frustration that is the inevitable consequence of sin.
Brothers and sisters, if you feel discouraged or
wonder if you can ever get out of the spiritual hole that you have dug, please
remember who stands “betwixt [us] and justice,” who is “filled with compassion
towards the children of men,” and who has taken upon Himself our iniquities and
transgressions and “satisfied the demands of justice.” In other words, as Nephi
did in his moment of self-doubt, simply remember “in whom [you] have trusted,”
even Jesus Christ, and then repent and experience yet again “a perfect
brightness of hope."
“Remember in Whom We Have Trusted,” October 2015 (internal citations
omitted).
Brothers and
sisters -- there is hope. I know that no
matter how deep the hole we have dug ourselves into, we cannot sink too far
beyond His reach. And no matter how many
times we've fallen into it, He stands watch with us. And He always, always stands ready to help
the moment we make any movement toward Him.
I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
